There are two books I have read on the subject of death that particularly moved me: Opening Heaven's Door by Patricia Pearson (a journalist) and Beyond Surviving by David Maginley (a Lutheran minister). Pearson's book looks at different reports of what happens when we die and Maginley's deals more with the emotional/psychological journey people go through when facing imminent death. You may want to check those out.
I found volunteering at a hospice is a great way to learn more about and confront death.
These all sound like wonderful suggestions Kendra. Thank you so much for sharing! I haven’t heard of either of those books, but am excited to dig into them. The hospice idea is a great one too. I appreciate all of this!
I’ve been giving this some thought since it landed on Sunday. It’s so interesting to see everyone’s take on the subject.
I can’t count myself as “midlife” even though my TBR pile of books would be more manageable if I had the same amount of time ahead as behind, but I regress…I’m after the sunset and wandering into the twilight of my existence I suppose. I have no fear of death and have long been fascinated by it, partly because my career involved close contact with it for 40 or so years.
My concern is not living fully with the time we’ve got, or having to sustain a miserable existence until the end finally comes, either through unbearable sickness and pain or having to live in unfavorable conditions brought on by external influences or circumstances.
A couple of years ago I got my first and only tattoo. My right forearm is inked with “Memento Mori” in my own cursive script as a reminder from me to me that death will indeed come. Of course I see it several times a day and it’s a constant reminder to live now and do all you can with the time allotted.
In the early 90s the wonderful TV series ‘Northern Exposure’ had an episode in with two of the characters got together to explore their own midlife crises. Holling was about 62 at the time and Chris was 27 - both at the half way point in each family’s history. It was a brilliant exploration of two very different points on the topic. I believe the episode was called Everything Becomes Extinct…worth checking out if you can find it.
Thank you so much for writing Bridget. I appreciate all of this. The idea of your tattoo takes my breath away. I just love the the idea of you living life with that constant reminder. Such a powerful to navigate through the world. And I haven't thought about Northern Exposure in years, but will definitely try and hunt that episode down. Thanks again so much for sharing your thoughts. They are inspiring to read.
Hi Geoff - Saul's mom here :) May I first say: this project is AWESOME! We're all very excited about your FOTR production!
Fear of death is a topic I'm very well acquainted with. Over the past few years, I've changed my relationship to my own death/mortality and have landed in a (somewhat?) better place, but it has taken a ton of internal work. I can't say I'm at fully ease with it yet, but I have a very different relationship with my own death than I did a few years ago. Some thoughts:
A book that was extremely helpful for me when me mother was dying in late 2021/early 2022 was No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh (he's so good). Highly recommend. It also helped when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2024. (Related: The Tao of Physics and learning more about physics in general, which has a lot to teach us about energy and how it transforms.) The language I use around death and death-as-energy-transformation has changed dramatically because of these readings. I'm less afraid of dying. I don't want to, I'm still panicked occasionally, but at the end of the day I mainly see it as a return. The drop that is me back into the ocean, to emerge in other forms unknown or maybe familiar. Part of ongoing life in some unknown way. (I never believed in ghosts, but now I understand where the impulse to "see" them comes from.)
The poet Andrea Gibson, who died of terminal cancer just a couple of months ago, had a most remarkable and beautiful relationship with their own death. Look up their Instagram. They also made a film (produced by the comedian Tig Notaro) about their own death called Come See Me in the Good Light, which is apparently amazing. It's on my list.
Two other resources: The Centre for Sacred Deathcare in Victoria BC is very woo-woo but has a few interesting videos about making death better. It's geared to death doula training but I like some of the concepts. I've also re-envisioned how I want my body transformed after I die - aquamation. Environmentally friendly!
All of that said - I also love Oliver Burkeman's Four Thousand Weeks, to remind me of how precious this one life is.
Hope to discuss all this with you in person sometime!
Thanks so much all of this Lisa! I truly appreciate it. I'll definitely dig into some of these, and then I'd love to discuss it with you. Sounds like you've had an amazing journey of your own.
I appreciate your candor, and in my own midlife creative crisis journey, I am finding every day to be a different and unique challenge. That said, death is not a particular fear for me, possibly because I lived with it from my mid-20s to my mid-30s. I saw it on and off mostly in the last part when my brother finally passed away at age 33, but his continual struggle with brain tumors lasted the better part of 10 years. And what I learned from that - what I am continually trying to learn - is to remember what is simple and best in every day. It's the reason that I love the play "Our Town". I don't fear death - and to clarify, I mean a simple death, not a pain-filled, Hollywood driven dramatic death in any capacity. I don't fear a simple "fall asleep" death. This doesn't scare me. It's my hope. What I fear is insignificance. I fear being irrelevant and just forgotten. I fear what happened with my father (and that is another story). I think that is what keeps me up at night: who am I now and how can I make a difference? This is what I love about your newsletter and creative projects. When I personally am in a place of fear or anxiety about this, I like to go to quiet places that have existed for years - churches, synagogues, temples, even the Mt. Pleasant Cemetery - places where prayers remain like whispers and the quiet is filled with hope, loss, and understanding. Sometimes, I actually hear inspiration in those whispers. That said, thank you for your post. It meant a lot.
Hi Geoff, And other readers of your blog! What a wonderful idea for a blog and perfect for me on this day to find it in my inbox.
I've been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks my entire life so when you started to describe it I could feel being there with you. That f****** sucks. But at the same time, what an interesting wake up call.
I myself have been currently pondering, what's next. Not just after death but how do I finally put aside fears and let go of this anxiety that doesn't serve me. Or if it does, let me at least understand how it serves me?! I've been thinking about it for a while and I've decided to take a psilocybin journey. I've hired a guide who is also my massage therapist for the last couple of years. And today is the day. I was so excited I could hardly sleep last night. I've heard the feeling of oneness that comes with a psilocybin trip is an experience of dissolving into everything else. It's a place to find yourself and even confront fears. I'm excited. I'm nervous but I think more excited. I'm looking forward to meeting myself and finding out what it is I need next.
I just wanted to say that finding your blog in my inbox this morning was exactly what I needed. I feel like I'm already being guided towards something that I need to hear. And I think I have been for a long time.
Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing Marika. It's feels healing to know that we're not alone in this. I hope your upcoming journey is exactly what you need it to be. 🙂
Hi Geoff, when I was 17 years old, I painted my death for my final year high school art assignment. It feels a little cringeworthy now, but suffice to say, I came to confront the idea of dying quite early in life, and it has been a (most would say morbid) fascination ever since. I guess you could say I have been looking directly into the seeds of this fear for quite some time.
My midlife crisis is not without fear, but perhaps more adjacent fears. I still fear a painful or traumatic death, and I certainly fear the idea of wasted death, without the fulfillment of purpose, but not death itself.
One thing that has helped me was a Buddhist teaching on the illusion of self. The story often involves a wave that fears its inevitable crash into the shore, representing our fear of death. It then realizes its true nature as water. The wave's apparent individual existence is temporary, but its essential nature as water is eternal and indivisible from the whole. When the wave "dies" by crashing on shore, it simply returns to its original state. A wave comes from water and returns to water.
This often fills me with a sense of peace and comfort. The notion that death is a return, rather than a goodbye. It is, in fact, the place I left at the beginning of my journey, and it is home. One day I will come home, for now… adventure!
This is really beautiful Simon. Thank you so much for sharing. The wave analogy is a good one. Definitely one I'll sit with. The idea death being a return feels huge too. Kind of everything. And yes, for now, Viva La Adventure! 🙂
I second the suggestion of becoming a hospice volunteer. Seeing what death is like up close and personal takes away some of the unknowns, and with it some of the fears, at least it did that for me. I worked as a hospice nurse for about 10 years before I retired. One of the big takeaways for me was the importance of cleaning up our relationships, of saying the things that need to be said, having the conversation that need to be had. This is a lot easier at a time when we still have energy to do it, and it often makes dying hard when it didn't happen. This book talks about that; https://irabyock.org/books/the-four-things-that-matter-most/
Thanks for this Anna. As always, I appreciate your words. The idea of having the conversations you need to have while you can still have them certainly resonates strongly with me. Hope you are well.
Hi Geoff,
There are two books I have read on the subject of death that particularly moved me: Opening Heaven's Door by Patricia Pearson (a journalist) and Beyond Surviving by David Maginley (a Lutheran minister). Pearson's book looks at different reports of what happens when we die and Maginley's deals more with the emotional/psychological journey people go through when facing imminent death. You may want to check those out.
I found volunteering at a hospice is a great way to learn more about and confront death.
:-)
Kendra
These all sound like wonderful suggestions Kendra. Thank you so much for sharing! I haven’t heard of either of those books, but am excited to dig into them. The hospice idea is a great one too. I appreciate all of this!
Hi Geoff & readers,
I’ve been giving this some thought since it landed on Sunday. It’s so interesting to see everyone’s take on the subject.
I can’t count myself as “midlife” even though my TBR pile of books would be more manageable if I had the same amount of time ahead as behind, but I regress…I’m after the sunset and wandering into the twilight of my existence I suppose. I have no fear of death and have long been fascinated by it, partly because my career involved close contact with it for 40 or so years.
My concern is not living fully with the time we’ve got, or having to sustain a miserable existence until the end finally comes, either through unbearable sickness and pain or having to live in unfavorable conditions brought on by external influences or circumstances.
A couple of years ago I got my first and only tattoo. My right forearm is inked with “Memento Mori” in my own cursive script as a reminder from me to me that death will indeed come. Of course I see it several times a day and it’s a constant reminder to live now and do all you can with the time allotted.
In the early 90s the wonderful TV series ‘Northern Exposure’ had an episode in with two of the characters got together to explore their own midlife crises. Holling was about 62 at the time and Chris was 27 - both at the half way point in each family’s history. It was a brilliant exploration of two very different points on the topic. I believe the episode was called Everything Becomes Extinct…worth checking out if you can find it.
Cheers,
Bridget
Thank you so much for writing Bridget. I appreciate all of this. The idea of your tattoo takes my breath away. I just love the the idea of you living life with that constant reminder. Such a powerful to navigate through the world. And I haven't thought about Northern Exposure in years, but will definitely try and hunt that episode down. Thanks again so much for sharing your thoughts. They are inspiring to read.
Hi Geoff - Saul's mom here :) May I first say: this project is AWESOME! We're all very excited about your FOTR production!
Fear of death is a topic I'm very well acquainted with. Over the past few years, I've changed my relationship to my own death/mortality and have landed in a (somewhat?) better place, but it has taken a ton of internal work. I can't say I'm at fully ease with it yet, but I have a very different relationship with my own death than I did a few years ago. Some thoughts:
A book that was extremely helpful for me when me mother was dying in late 2021/early 2022 was No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh (he's so good). Highly recommend. It also helped when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2024. (Related: The Tao of Physics and learning more about physics in general, which has a lot to teach us about energy and how it transforms.) The language I use around death and death-as-energy-transformation has changed dramatically because of these readings. I'm less afraid of dying. I don't want to, I'm still panicked occasionally, but at the end of the day I mainly see it as a return. The drop that is me back into the ocean, to emerge in other forms unknown or maybe familiar. Part of ongoing life in some unknown way. (I never believed in ghosts, but now I understand where the impulse to "see" them comes from.)
The poet Andrea Gibson, who died of terminal cancer just a couple of months ago, had a most remarkable and beautiful relationship with their own death. Look up their Instagram. They also made a film (produced by the comedian Tig Notaro) about their own death called Come See Me in the Good Light, which is apparently amazing. It's on my list.
Two other resources: The Centre for Sacred Deathcare in Victoria BC is very woo-woo but has a few interesting videos about making death better. It's geared to death doula training but I like some of the concepts. I've also re-envisioned how I want my body transformed after I die - aquamation. Environmentally friendly!
All of that said - I also love Oliver Burkeman's Four Thousand Weeks, to remind me of how precious this one life is.
Hope to discuss all this with you in person sometime!
-Lisa
Thanks so much all of this Lisa! I truly appreciate it. I'll definitely dig into some of these, and then I'd love to discuss it with you. Sounds like you've had an amazing journey of your own.
I appreciate your candor, and in my own midlife creative crisis journey, I am finding every day to be a different and unique challenge. That said, death is not a particular fear for me, possibly because I lived with it from my mid-20s to my mid-30s. I saw it on and off mostly in the last part when my brother finally passed away at age 33, but his continual struggle with brain tumors lasted the better part of 10 years. And what I learned from that - what I am continually trying to learn - is to remember what is simple and best in every day. It's the reason that I love the play "Our Town". I don't fear death - and to clarify, I mean a simple death, not a pain-filled, Hollywood driven dramatic death in any capacity. I don't fear a simple "fall asleep" death. This doesn't scare me. It's my hope. What I fear is insignificance. I fear being irrelevant and just forgotten. I fear what happened with my father (and that is another story). I think that is what keeps me up at night: who am I now and how can I make a difference? This is what I love about your newsletter and creative projects. When I personally am in a place of fear or anxiety about this, I like to go to quiet places that have existed for years - churches, synagogues, temples, even the Mt. Pleasant Cemetery - places where prayers remain like whispers and the quiet is filled with hope, loss, and understanding. Sometimes, I actually hear inspiration in those whispers. That said, thank you for your post. It meant a lot.
Wow. Thank you so much for your sharing Robyn. Truly. I am continually inspired by you.
I look forward to the day we can meet up again in person. :)
Hi Geoff, And other readers of your blog! What a wonderful idea for a blog and perfect for me on this day to find it in my inbox.
I've been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks my entire life so when you started to describe it I could feel being there with you. That f****** sucks. But at the same time, what an interesting wake up call.
I myself have been currently pondering, what's next. Not just after death but how do I finally put aside fears and let go of this anxiety that doesn't serve me. Or if it does, let me at least understand how it serves me?! I've been thinking about it for a while and I've decided to take a psilocybin journey. I've hired a guide who is also my massage therapist for the last couple of years. And today is the day. I was so excited I could hardly sleep last night. I've heard the feeling of oneness that comes with a psilocybin trip is an experience of dissolving into everything else. It's a place to find yourself and even confront fears. I'm excited. I'm nervous but I think more excited. I'm looking forward to meeting myself and finding out what it is I need next.
I just wanted to say that finding your blog in my inbox this morning was exactly what I needed. I feel like I'm already being guided towards something that I need to hear. And I think I have been for a long time.
Best wishes. I'll be following along.
Marika- The Deal with Animals podcast
Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing Marika. It's feels healing to know that we're not alone in this. I hope your upcoming journey is exactly what you need it to be. 🙂
Hi Geoff, when I was 17 years old, I painted my death for my final year high school art assignment. It feels a little cringeworthy now, but suffice to say, I came to confront the idea of dying quite early in life, and it has been a (most would say morbid) fascination ever since. I guess you could say I have been looking directly into the seeds of this fear for quite some time.
My midlife crisis is not without fear, but perhaps more adjacent fears. I still fear a painful or traumatic death, and I certainly fear the idea of wasted death, without the fulfillment of purpose, but not death itself.
One thing that has helped me was a Buddhist teaching on the illusion of self. The story often involves a wave that fears its inevitable crash into the shore, representing our fear of death. It then realizes its true nature as water. The wave's apparent individual existence is temporary, but its essential nature as water is eternal and indivisible from the whole. When the wave "dies" by crashing on shore, it simply returns to its original state. A wave comes from water and returns to water.
This often fills me with a sense of peace and comfort. The notion that death is a return, rather than a goodbye. It is, in fact, the place I left at the beginning of my journey, and it is home. One day I will come home, for now… adventure!
This is really beautiful Simon. Thank you so much for sharing. The wave analogy is a good one. Definitely one I'll sit with. The idea death being a return feels huge too. Kind of everything. And yes, for now, Viva La Adventure! 🙂
I second the suggestion of becoming a hospice volunteer. Seeing what death is like up close and personal takes away some of the unknowns, and with it some of the fears, at least it did that for me. I worked as a hospice nurse for about 10 years before I retired. One of the big takeaways for me was the importance of cleaning up our relationships, of saying the things that need to be said, having the conversation that need to be had. This is a lot easier at a time when we still have energy to do it, and it often makes dying hard when it didn't happen. This book talks about that; https://irabyock.org/books/the-four-things-that-matter-most/
Thanks for this Anna. As always, I appreciate your words. The idea of having the conversations you need to have while you can still have them certainly resonates strongly with me. Hope you are well.