Can We Talk About Death?
An unflinching look at what my midlife panic is really about
Welcome to The Midlife Field Guide
One year. Two Gen X friends. Countless personal experiments. Can they figure out the meaning of midlife?
(A project from The Creativity Guild)
The Proposed Experiment:
Geoff attempts to become comfortable with the idea of death so that he can get on with the process of living.
Preliminary Field Notes:
I have some news: I'm going to die.
Let me explain.
It’s not that I’ve received a diagnosis or any indication that my death is imminent. Lately though, I’ve come to accept, undeniably and uncomfortably, that eventually, I will die. And the idea of it scares the shit out of me.
About ten years ago, I ended up in the emergency room after feeling a slight pain in my back. My mind leapt to the worst-case scenario: I was having a heart attack. My entire system went into panic mode. I was at a public event at the time and stepped out of the main room, finding refuge on a staircase in the hallway. The next thing I remember is waking up, surrounded by concerned strangers. Someone had found my wife, and she rushed me to the ER.
After a full work-up, it turned out my heart was fine. What I was actually experiencing was a full-blown anxiety attack—brought on by fear. At the time, I thought it was fear of illness or physical vulnerability. But now, I see it more clearly: it was fear of death.
I’m not writing this post to be a downer. But as someone firmly in midlife, my fear of death has started to feel a lot less abstract. It’s no longer a philosophical concept. It’s real. I’ve had friends die in their 50s. It’s unusual, but not unheard of. I might not die in my 50s, but I also might. Or in my 60s. Or 70s. Or later. But one thing is certain: I will die.
I’ve been up at a cottage this week and brought along Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Fear. Not exactly breezy summer reading, but somehow perfect for where I’m at right now.
One line in particular hit me hard:
“The fear of death is one of the greatest fears that people have. When we look directly into the seeds of this fear instead of trying to cover it up or run away, we begin to transform it.”
The idea of looking directly into the seeds of my fear takes my breath away. As death becomes less theoretical and more tangible, I wonder if this fear is actually at the core of the so-called “midlife crisis”, that moment when we realize there are likely fewer years ahead than behind.
It’s a sobering thought. If I can make peace with my mortality, will I live with more calm and less fear of the inevitable?
This is where I’d love your help.
I’m looking to experiment with practices that might help me truly accept death as part of life. Something that could help transform this midlife fear I have into something I can be at peace with. Something I can accept, the way I accept other facts of life. Like breathing.
Pre-arranging my funeral feels both too on-the-nose and, frankly, the idea of it deeply depresses me. I know there are groups like Death Café, or retreats where people meditate on their own mortality. I’ve never attended one, but maybe that’s exactly what I need to do. Honestly, I’m a little stumped with where to begin.
I’m curious about your relationship with death. Do you have any practices, experiences, or moments that have shifted your perspective and helped you come to terms with the fact that you’re going to die? Or maybe you’re like me, curious about dipping your toes into the idea of getting comfortable with your own mortality, and would be interested in trying one of these experiments alongside me.
My intention is to incorporate these learnings into the Midlife Field Guide. To find a practice or practices to experiment with that might help bring me face to face with the thing I fear most.
Any and all suggestions are welcome. Please feel free to share any thoughts you have in the comments below. I have a sneaking suspicion that this all could feel less frightening if we do it together. 🙂
The Midlife Field Guide in the News!
If my grandparents were still alive, I’m sure they’d be proud of me for many reasons, but perhaps none more than seeing an article about me and The Midlife Field Guide in The Canadian Jewish News. 🙂
Special thanks to Jonathan Rothman for reaching out to talk about my Midlife Field Guide experiment to stage an elaborate one night only stage show of Fiddler on the Roof for my 25th wedding anniversary…despite having no experience in doing this kind of thing!
If you are interested you can check out the article here.
Lastly, of all the things you could be doing on this summer day, thank you for taking the time to read about death. Truly. And, if I can be so bold, thank you in advance for any suggestions or ideas you might have for practices around accepting it.
We promise there are more fun (i.e., non-death) experiments coming up soon!
XOXOXO,
- Geoff
Hi Geoff,
There are two books I have read on the subject of death that particularly moved me: Opening Heaven's Door by Patricia Pearson (a journalist) and Beyond Surviving by David Maginley (a Lutheran minister). Pearson's book looks at different reports of what happens when we die and Maginley's deals more with the emotional/psychological journey people go through when facing imminent death. You may want to check those out.
I found volunteering at a hospice is a great way to learn more about and confront death.
:-)
Kendra
Hi Geoff & readers,
I’ve been giving this some thought since it landed on Sunday. It’s so interesting to see everyone’s take on the subject.
I can’t count myself as “midlife” even though my TBR pile of books would be more manageable if I had the same amount of time ahead as behind, but I regress…I’m after the sunset and wandering into the twilight of my existence I suppose. I have no fear of death and have long been fascinated by it, partly because my career involved close contact with it for 40 or so years.
My concern is not living fully with the time we’ve got, or having to sustain a miserable existence until the end finally comes, either through unbearable sickness and pain or having to live in unfavorable conditions brought on by external influences or circumstances.
A couple of years ago I got my first and only tattoo. My right forearm is inked with “Memento Mori” in my own cursive script as a reminder from me to me that death will indeed come. Of course I see it several times a day and it’s a constant reminder to live now and do all you can with the time allotted.
In the early 90s the wonderful TV series ‘Northern Exposure’ had an episode in with two of the characters got together to explore their own midlife crises. Holling was about 62 at the time and Chris was 27 - both at the half way point in each family’s history. It was a brilliant exploration of two very different points on the topic. I believe the episode was called Everything Becomes Extinct…worth checking out if you can find it.
Cheers,
Bridget