I'm A Rotting Bag of Flesh On a Countdown Timer Toward Death

Reflections on Becoming an Empty Nester

Geoff and Steve started The Creativity Guild to create a community of mid-life creative explorers looking to reignite their creative sparks. The goal is to build a place for us all to reconnect with our creativity, start the projects we’ve always wanted to work on and be the people we’ve always wanted to be.

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Everything a teenager needs to leave home and live independently.

ANOTHER Mid-Life Crisis

Geoff and I describe The Creativity Guild as “a community of mid-life creative explorers” because that’s who we are and the stage of life we are at. Of course, reconnecting with your creativity can happen at any stage of life and we’re not going to limit this to only people at mid-life.

However, I just had a MAJOR mid-life experience that has rocked me to my core and I’m hoping Creativity will come to the rescue.

Permission granted to take a parent-child photo in the dorm room.

Last week, we moved our two youngest kids out of the house and into residence at the University of British Columbia. One night, they were here sleeping in their rooms and hanging out with us. The next night, the house was empty. They have barely texted or called in two weeks. This is normal and wonderful and exciting… for them.

For me, it has been a very strange mix of emotions. I am so proud of them and excited for them because it’s such a concrete milestone signifying that you are starting your life as an adult. They are going to have so many wonderful adventures, meet lifelong new friends, and figure out who they are and how they want their lives to unfold.

However - not gonna lie - it’s also been personally depressing. We’ve talked about voice and identity here a few times in The Guild and I feel like I’ve just lost a massive part of my identity. Being a parent has been the most important and valued part of who I am for the last 21 years. And this phase of life abruptly ended in a single day.

Unboxing a new phase of life.

My Biological Purpose is Done

I remember when my daughter, Cedar, was born. I recognized that I was fulfilling some deep, innate biological purpose. I just KNEW in my bones that having kids is part of why I exist and why I’m here on Earth. Having kids instantly taught me to be selfless after my first few decades of fairly appropriate self-centeredness. And over the years, the importance of being a parent grew and grew. Every important decision in my life over the last couple of decades has been about what is best for our family and I’ve done my best to prioritize the kids, family meals, family vacations, school and sports support, and so much more. 

Last week, I had a reaction similar to that initial recognition of my deep biological purpose to have kids. Except this time, it was really depressing.  This is what popped into my head, clear as a bell:

“Your job is done. Your biological purpose has been fulfilled. Your kids are now mostly on their own and your role has shifted from taking care of them, being responsible for them, and teaching them how to be good humans… to a dedicated, cheering fan in the stands.” 

My biological purpose is done? WHAT???

In the midst of that brutally cold splash of reality, I thought to myself, “I guess I’m now just a rotting bag of human flesh and bones on a slow countdown timer toward death.”

And in the last week, I have been a complicated bundle of emotions. Missing the kids. Excited for the kids. Proud of the kids. And kinda depressed about being a rotting bag of flesh on a countdown toward death.

In my heart, I know my biological purpose is not entirely done - I will always be here when any of the kids need me, and I’m sure at some point down the road I will have a magical new experience as a grandparent.  For now, though, it sure feels like I’m in a sideline support role.

My New Life

Instantly, my day-to-day life has changed in so many ways:

• It’s really quiet. Not just no people in the house. Also no sounds of Netflix, Spotify, Instagram or TikTok.

• I don’t have to arrange my life around a coordinated group dinner time. What does that mean for me?

• I don’t need to meal plan around a variety of limited options to appease 5 people. So my wife and I can now move beyond tacos, mac and cheese, and spaghetti.

• There’s no “morning rush” trying to get everyone up, fed, and out the door to get to school on time.

• My car is available exclusively for my use again.

• The house is going to be clean by default instead of an explosion of clothes, towels, glasses, and dishes by default.

• The kids’ rooms are the cleanest they have ever been. This is magical and depressing at the same time.

The cleanest (and most depressing) this bedroom has been in over a decade.

There are also big questions instantly raised with the Empty Nest:

• What shape will my relationship with my kids take and how can I be the best dad possible for them at this stage of our lives?

• Who am I now that this stage of parenting is done?

• What am I going to do with all this time?

• How am I going to manage being alone instead of immersed in a bustling household?

• Where is meaning and purpose going to come from?

• What parts of my life or interests did I deprioritize over the last 20 years that I could revisit now?

Overall, it feels like a time to do something that feels highly uncomfortable - get more selfish again. After realizing the need to become selfless as a new parent, there is now a gaping void that I can begin to fill with things I love, but have somewhat neglected.

Get a (Social) Life

First, I have put my social life on the back burner for a long time. My priorities have been family and my work and between the two, there has never been a ton of time for having fun with people outside my family on a regular basis. This feels like a great opportunity to reconnect with friends and instigate more fun experiences.

Second, CREATIVITY. 

Writing

I am in the middle of writing a book about How To Earn Attention - I’ve never engaged in a bigger, meatier project than a book in my life and this fall and winter feel like the perfect time to fully engage in writing and editing. Building regular writing time into my week is going to be a lot easier… in an empty house.

Music

Writing isn’t all though. I’ve been moaning about never having played in a band. I did a jam session with some old friends a while ago and quickly realized that if I’m going to play with others… I need lessons! So I’m going to add music lessons into my life and see what it’s like.

Cooking

Here is another weird one (for me, at least). Cooking. My wife and I are going to experiment with more adventurous meal-planning and cooking. I’m the stereotypical Neanderthal dad who barbecues too much and makes pancakes and waffles on weekends. My wife has wanted to be more adventurous for a while, but finicky palates have foiled her plans for years. So now that most meals are going to be for two… we’re going to put more time and effort into expanding our repertoire by trying to learn more about cooking and enjoying the process.

There could even be exciting opportunities to combine increased social activities and cooking by (gasp) inviting other people to our house more often. 

Reconnection

To come back to the start of this edition, another phrase Geoff and I use to describe The Guild is a place to  “reconnect with our creativity.”  Reconnect is an important word - it implies that there was a previous connection and that it has been lost. As I lose a big part of my identity, it feels like the right time to revisit some of the creativity that was put on hold in the past and reconnect with it again. 

If I’m a rotting bag of flesh and bones on a countdown timer towards death, I may as well have fun while I wait 🙂

Takeaways

• Are any of you in the Guild new or recent Empty Nesters? If so, do you have any advice for me?

• Have you had any life changes where a massive part of your identity has shifted in a short period of time? If so, do you have any advice for me?

Welcome back to The Creativity Guild’s Community Calendar, our round up of super cool things being done by folks in the greater Creativity Guild community.

Have something you’d like to see here? Please let us know at thecreativityguild@substack.com!

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